Little Diane finally learns the truth about Life and the World
(McCopy & D.Stribute)

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction, sweetie.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we, Daddy?

A: That's because the weapons were hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction? Miserable FailureMissing Link

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had them, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: But that doesn't make any sense, Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did, Daddy.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if lraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures its people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you. China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?

A: Don't be a smartass.

Q: I'm sorry.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China with the Falun Gong?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he wasn't really a legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coo?


A: Coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force instead of holding free elections LIKE WE DO IN THE UNITED STATES.

A: You mean, like in Florida?

A: I told you, stop being a smartass.

Q: I'm sorry. But didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean general Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader isn't legitimate?

A: I never said Musharraf wasn't legitimate.

Neocons' Natural habitat

Q: Didn't you just say a general who comes to power by overthrowing the legitimate government of a country is an illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings in New York and Washington killing 3,000 innocent people.

Q: So how did Afghanistan fit into that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppresive rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only that, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that was money they earned because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

DESERTER? You decide.

Q: How did they do that?

A: Simple. If people over there were caught growing poppies, the Taliban would cut off their hands and heads.

Q: So when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, it was OK, but not if they cut off their heads and hands for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's heads and hands in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

A: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic body covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said that fifteen of the nineteen hijackers on September 11th were Saudis.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia, too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I think I remember reading that he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahedeen fight against the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Unfair and Unbalanced

Q: Is this the same Afghanistan we invaded?

A: You're really asking for it!

Q: I'm sorry. Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

A: One and the same. But there are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism just like us. We call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets, I mean the Russians, are now our friends?

A: Well, not exactly. You see, they were our friends for a while after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah, for a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when Saddam used poison gas against the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends becomes our enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a Godless un-American Communist. Do you understand why we attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

Q: So, basically, you're saying that we attacked Iraq because George Bush hears voices in his head?

A: Yes! I think you've got it now.

Q: Oh, Daddy, I'm so happy! I finally know how the world works! I don't know if I can go to sleep now, I'm so excited.

A: Well, close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and feel safe. And remember, John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge are watching over you.

Q: Good night, Daddy! I think...

Copyright 2003 anarchie bunker

Modified by Our Own Anarchists

Update: 11/3/2004:



Obviously, this is now obsolete:
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Expiration Date: Jan. 20, 2005 12 p.m.